An American Asks Permission to Marry the Daughter of a Kamikaze Pilot

I am always amazed at how we hear what we want to hear even when speaking a foreign language.

I was a sophomore in college visiting my prospective in-laws in rural northern Japan. This was my first trip to Japan. I had been studying Japanese in university but I wasn’t even close to proficient.

To say my in-laws were TOTALLY against the proposed marriage is an understatement.

I was asking to marry the eldest daughter in a family with no sons. Whoever married Noriko Nomura would take on the family name. At that time Grif Nomura just didn’t appeal to me.

On top of that my in-laws owned a construction company which they wanted to pass on to my future wife’s husband who would become the president or shacho.

An American shacho of a local construction company, which only did government contracts (and was heavily involved in bid rigging which was an accepted practice) didn’t quite compute in their succession plans. Or my career plans.

But looking at all of this as simply a challenge to overcome I approached my prospective father in law, who regarded me with evident disdain, and asked him in Japanese for permission to marry his eldest daughter.

Did I mention my prospective father in law, Rijiro, kind of looks like the head of a yakuza gang?

But undaunted and with a can-do American spirit I pressed on with my request to marry his daughter.

After a lengthy silence Rijiro looked me up and down and said only one word kame (ka-mei).

Hmmm…kame means turtle in Japanese. So I guess he is telling me to slow down? But kind of giving me an AOK…Right? Must be. A little subtle but then Japanese are known to be vague in their communications…

Of course he had crossed his arm in a big “X” but maybe that was simply his way of communicating to me to slow down the marriage process? I can respect that.

Feeling pretty sure that I had made a good impression and was on the right track I said thank you and bowed myself out of his presence.

When I told Noriko about my success, she looked at me and said “Grif, I think he said dame not kame.

Hmmm…crossed arms in a big “X”?  Hmm…dame as in “No Way”?

Hard to believe I didn’t make a good impression or get his approval…I mean what self respecting Japanese father wouldn’t be delighted to have his daughter marry an American?

One evening, many years later when I was visiting them I asked my mother-in-law why he didn’t talk to me (or even acknowledge me when I greeted him as he walked through the living room) and she told me he had been trained as a Kamikaze pilot who didn’t get a chance to attack the Americans in WW2. Hmmm…I can now begin to understand why he said dame and not kame.

We have been married for 33 years now and have four children who are bi-lingual and bi-cultural. We lived with my in-laws for 8 years and my father-in-law ended up giving me a pair of golden chopsticks at New Years…I didn’t know what it meant but later found out he was asking me to be his successor in the business.

About the author:

Grif Frost (53): Lived in France in a brewery at the age of 15. Got hooked on overseas living (and good beer). Married Noriko Nomura who was an exchange student who stayed in our home in Hillsboro, Oregon. Started, built and sold 40+ businesses in Japan. Living the good life in Hilo Hawaii which is part of the U.S. but pretty foreign in many ways. Write about Life Quality Business at www.LifeQualityBusiness.com